By: Ben Dougherty (bdougherty@maryville.edu)

 

Setting: Sunny Thursday morning on a golf course.

Characters:

 

Name: Fitzpatrick(Fitz)

Age: 32

Handicap: Scratch

Retirement plan: Join the Senior Professional Golf Tour

Pet Peeve: Cell Phones on a Golf Course

Description: Fitz is a wealthy entrepreneur who has worked hard to develop a good golf game, and feels very strongly about golf course etiquette.  He believes that golf is the greatest game on earth, and he takes it WAY too seriously.  He thinks that cell phones are the bane of his existence, and he detests them.  However, Fitz considers himself a gentleman and acts accordingly most of the time.

 

Name: Ryan

Age: 43

Handicap: 7

Retirement plan: Become a fishing guide in Canada.

Pet Peeve: People who take golf too seriously.

Description: Ryan is a Walter Hagenish golfer who takes chances on the golf course and in life.  He believes in upholding the rules and etiquette of golf, and never takes himself or his golf too seriously.  His good scores lie more in his incredible natural talent than his practice (which he doesn’t do much of).

 

Name: Joe

Age: 28

Handicap: 43

Description: Young business man who plays golf to make good business contacts.  He has no clue what golf etiquette is, and he is more concerned about managing his portfolio and his business from his cell phone than golfing.

 

Name: Emily

Age: 27

Handicap: doesn’t golf

Description: Emily is a young housewife of an up and coming businessman.  She enjoys scrabble, and is on the golf course not to play but to be with her husband and make him play scrabble with her.  She constantly complains about him not spending enough time with her, and complains that he spends too much time on his cell phone.  While at the same time she herself is getting random cell phone calls from her other housewife friends to talk about gossip, etc.

Scene opens to Fitz and Ryan center stage eyeing up the first hole which is off stage left on a beautiful Thursday morning. 

Fitz:      (steps forward and talks to audience Ryan freezes) You know, I love the game of golf.  It’s the greatest sport ever invented.  It’s a game of gentlemen and etiquette.  The rules are simple, but the game is challenging.  There’s no better way to spend a beautiful spring morning than playing 18 holes of golf with a good friend.  And that’s exactly what Ryan and I had planned one beautiful Thursday morning.  Boy were we in for a surprise.  (Pause) Hole number one! (Fitz steps back into place next to Ryan)

Fitz:      (staring at the pin) How many yards to the pin?

Ryan:    187 yards according to the scorecard.

Fitz:      It’s at least 200.  Definitely a two-iron.  I’m laying up.

Ryan:    Play what you want.  I’m going with the three-wood.  I can carry this green.

Fitz:      (teeing up his ball and taking a practice swing) You’ll never make scratch with that aggressive course management of yours.

Ryan:    Shut up and hit the ball.

Fitz takes a full swing with his two-iron and lands a beautiful shot just on the green.

Fitz:      (smiling) Looks like I made it to the green, must be 187 after all.

Ryan:    Yea yea, step aside. (tees up his ball and without taking a practice swing cranks the ball with a three-wood and cringes as it slices into a sand trap)

Fitz:      (chuckling) It’s a beautiful day to go the beach.

Ryan:    I swear that sand trap moved!

Suddenly a ruckus can be heard coming from stage right as Joe and Emily ride up to the first tee arguing.

Emily:   Loo is too a word!

Joe:      It is not, it’s a name!  You can’t play names!

Emily:   Not Lou you idiot, loo, as in the British word for bathroom!

Joe:      Well then you can’t play it because it’s foreign!

Emily:   Britain isn’t foreign, they speak English!

Joe:      Fine, then I’m spelling colour with a “u”!

Joe gets out of the cart in a huff and sees the two men standing there.

Joe:      Hi, I’m Joe, and that’s my wife Emily.  (offering a hand)

Ryan:    (taking Joe’s hand) Joe, I’m Ryan nice to meet you.  This is Fitz. (pointing to Fitz)

Fitz:      Hi Joe. (shaking Joe’s hand)

Joe:      We were paired up with you guys.  My wife isn’t playing golf, (gets a driver and ball out of his bag as he talks) she’s a scrabble enthusiast.  She’s hoping to go on the scrabble tour and play competitively.

Fitz and Ryan exchange befuddled looks as Joe tees up his ball and takes a practice swing.

Fitz:      Excuse me, is that a driver?

Joe:      Yea, why?

Fitz:      This hole is less than 200 yards.

Joe:      So?

Ryan:    Nothing, go ahead.

  Joe hits his driver right into the woods and immediately tees up another ball without even flinching.  Fitz and Ryan look worried.  

 Joe:      First one’s never any good.  I take a lot of mulligans, but I don’t count those strokes. (takes a swing and duffs the ball 40 yards)  Well I’ll just have to play that one I guess.

Joe hops back into the cart and he and Emily drive ahead.

Emily:   What took you so long.  Why haven’t you played yet!?

Joe:      Fine, “loose”!

Emily:   What a waste of an “s”!

  Their dialogue fades as they go offstage left leaving Fitz and Ryan.

Ryan:    Now Fitz, I know what you’re thinking, but we have to play 18 holes of golf with these people.

Fitz:      We’ve been paired up with the couple from hell…

Ryan:    He’s a hacker and she’s a nagger.  But we just have to play our game as best we can.  Look on the bright side, at least they don’t have cell phones.

Fitz:      True, nothing upsets me more than people who talk away their 18 holes on a cell phone.  Let’s just stay calm and play our game.

Fitz and Ryan walk off stage left.  Fitz re-enters and walks up center speaking again to the audience.

Fitz:      Hole number four!  By now, Emily’s endless bantering about scrabble and anything else under the sun was wearing on my patients.  Joe’s game had picked up a bit, but he was still playing scrabble with Emily, and as for Ryan.  Well, let’s just say that Ryan wasn’t playing very well.

Joe and Emily are sitting in the cart playing scrabble.  Fitz is standing off watching Ryan, and Ryan is lining up a shot facing stage right.  Ryan, eyes up the shot, selects a club, and draws the club back. 

Emily:   (shouting when Ryan is in the middle of his swing) Bumblebee!

Ryan obviously thrown off by this outburst swings wildly and shanks the ball.  Fitz cringes.

Joe:      (without looking up, shouting) Did you hit yet Ryan?

Ryan:    (stalking toward the cart) Yes I hit. And I—

Fitz:      (stepping in, holding Ryan back and interrupting him) –Excuse me Joe?

Joe:      (looking up) Yea?

Fitz:      It’s your shot.  Are you going to hit?

Joe:      Oh sure!

Emily:   But Joe, it’s your turn to play a word!

Joe:      Hold on!

Joe grabs a club and takes a swing at his ball knocking it on the green.

Joe:      Piece of cake.  (walking back  to the cart)

Joe and Emily drive off babbling about Scrabble again.

Fitz:      Relax Ryan!

Ryan:    Fitz, they’re driving me nuts!  If that gal talks in the middle of one of my shots again I’m going to say something a golfer shouldn’t say!

Fitz:      Look, when we get up to the green I’ll talk to Joe, ok?

Ryan:    Fine, but if your talk doesn’t work then I may snap!

Fitz:      Alright go find your ball.

Ryan leaves and Fitz talks to the audience again.

Fitz:      By this point, Ryan is getting furious and I’m thinking if I don’t straighten these people out we could have a brawl on our hands.  So while Ryan was putting, I pulled Joe aside at the green on the fourth to have a man to man.

Ryan enter right and looks like he’s putting.  Joe enters left, and Fitz crosses to Joe.

Fitz:      Joe, I know you’re just out here to have a good time, but there are rules of etiquette in golf, and Emily keeps talking in the middle of Ryan’s swing.  And we really need you to pay attention to the game, because—(Joe’s cell phone rings)

Joe:      Right, hold on Fitz—(picking up phone) Joe here.  No, I’m just playing golf, we can talk.  Oh really?  Tell me more. (Joe exits stage left still talking on his phone)

Ryan putts out, picks up his ball and crosses to Fitz.

Ryan:    How’d it go?  What’d you say? What’d he say?

Fitz:      (still shocked) Well I asked him to keep Emily quiet, and to pay more attention to the game, and then…then his phone rang.

Ryan:    WHAT?!

Fitz:      His cell phone rang.  And he picked it up!

Ryan:    NO!

Fitz:      YES!  And he said “I can talk, I’m JUST playing golf…”

Ryan:    Can you imagine? (shaking his head)

Fitz:      How do people like that get on a golf course?

Ryan:    Buck up, maybe he forgot it was on, and it was a one time deal.

Fitz:      Yea right…

Ryan exits stage left leaving Fitz to talk to the audience.

Fitz:      Hole number nine!  I was starting to wonder if I had died in my sleep.  Perhaps this wasn’t a golf course at all, perhaps it was some twisted version of hell.  By this point, I didn’t think things could get any worse. Boy was I wrong…

Emily is sitting in the cart stage right, and Joe, Ryan, and Fitz are putting on the green stage left.  Joe sinks a putt, and Ryan is getting ready to putt when Joe’s cell phone rings. 

Joe:      Joe here.  Yea, really? (ad lib and fade as he walks toward the cart)

Ryan:    (putts and looks over at Fitz shaking his head) We can just play nine today.  There’s no reason to torture ourselves for another nine holes.

Joe hangs up his cell phone and begins playing scrabble with Emily. 

Fitz:      It’s unbelievable, I really didn’t think people like this existed.  At least not on golf courses.  Well I’m going to putt out. (lines up his putt)

Emily picks up her cell phone and calls her babysitter.  Joe is standing over his ball ready to hit it.

Emily:   (shouting) WHAT?!  Joe!  We have to go, one of the kids isn’t feeling well!

Joe:      Honey they’re fine, we still have another nine holes to go. (Joe’s cell phone rings and he picks it up)  Joe here…(ad lib conversation)

Emily and Joe are frantically talking about children and business on their cell phones rather loudly and cause Fitz to miss his putt.

Fitz:      That’s it, I can’t take this any longer.  (walking over to Emily and Joe and shouting) Look!  (grabs their cell phones, hangs them up and puts them in his pocket)  I’ve taken as much as I can take from you two.  Since hole one you have broken every rule of golf and point of etiquette.  You’ve talked on cell phones, you’ve talked while we’re making shots, you’ve played more scrabble than golf! And you’ve driven your cart off the cart path, and I can’t take it anymore!

The Marshall walks up behind Fitz.

Fitz:      People like you don’t belong on a golf course!  Do the world a favor, don’t ever come back here!

Marshall:          (to Fitz) Excuse me, sir!  We don’t permit yelling on this course.  If you can’t conduct yourself in a gentlemanly fashion I’ll have to ask you to leave.

Joe’s cell phone rings in Fitz pocket.

Marshall:          (taking Fitz by the arm and escorting him off stage) Sir you’re going to have to leave.  We don’t permit cell phones on this course because they may be a distraction to other golfers.